This is quite a long post.....I thought of breaking it into 2...but I'm not gonna...
WARNING: this is describing my experiences with ADD/ADHD....everyone who may have this is different, since ADD can be quite complex, 2 people (even related) may have completely different symptoms. Since I'm in between insurance companies right now, I've had to slow down and eventually stop my medicine. You'll notice my thoughts may not be totally laid out or styled as well as usual...let's just say my English teachers ...and Lara would have MANY corrections on this one...
(20 min later....got sidetracked watching youtube vids, researching ADD symptoms)
Okay, so I'm already switching gears alittle bit...but I was gonna explain the symptoms of ADD, and how they affect you alittle different as an adult, but I found a really great website that does a realllllly good job at explaining this, so why reinvent the wheel. You can start about halfway down the page where the header is:
Signs and symptoms of adult ADD / ADHD
But if you don't feel like reading, the main symptoms are:
1. Trouble concentrating and staying focused
2. Hyperfocusing on things of interest
3. Disorganization and forgetfulness
4. Impulsivity
5. Emotional difficulties
6. Hyperactivity and restlessness
I would say I have a lot of each of these....with the most severe in #1, 3, 5, and 6. And I just realized I listed most...lol.
So anyways, if you have read this site, you now know that true ADD isn't just a 'run it out' thing where there's excess energy, it's much more biological and in your brain than that.
(okay, so 1 hour later I'm back....I got sidetracked about researching what ppl say about ADD, etc)
Sooooo....um, yeah. I'll give you some examples of how it affects/has affected me and some real life examples.
LIST:
There are many symptoms that I didn't notice or thought were just part of my 'personality'....till I was on medicine.
So, this is a list of the ones I can think of off the top of my head:
Left the oven on, very poor writing skills (as evident here...), forget to shut/lock the doors/cabinets, difficulty concentrating, difficulty completing thoughts, careless mistakes, horrible procrastination, easily distracted, lost school supplies, fidgety, interrupted others, very talkative, a million thoughts at once and inability to grab and say one, thus difficulty when in conflict, organization problems, difficulty paying attention while reading/writing (pretty important in grad school), hard time remembering conversations and events, sleep problems from mind racing at night, and many more...too many to be able to write!
EXAMPLES:
Some examples of the things that most affected me:
I quite often 'zone out' even when trying to pay attention....so the first few words or more of a sentence I may not hear. Now I am much more comfortable asking someone to repeat what they said. I used to have to just miss big pieces of conversations, and it's quite stress-inducing. So yeah, if I randomly ask you to repeat, it's not that you are boring me, or anything about you. I just sometimes need ppl to get my attention before they start speaking to me....and sometimes during, lol.
(15 min later.....I just finished writing the last part of this blog....)
Second thing:
I am/was quite incapable of being assertive. ANY confrontation made my mind 'crazy' and my brain felt like it would just shut off. I was unable to 'state my case' to anyone, ESPECIALLY any type of authority figure. Even if it was something stupid and I knew I was right, I just couldn't say it, so frustrating! It has been this way my whole life. While I am still this way to a big degree, I am much better than I used to be.
Lastly (this one is kinda funny...but a great look at the chaos of my mind, lol):
This is a big one that I do alot.....I never realized I did it until about 3 months on medicine. I still do it some, but only maybe 5-10% as much.
Let's say I'm getting ready to go somewhere. Everyone has a basic set list in their head of what they need to do. Welll...for me it's a little different. I get a phrase or sentence stuck in my head. It may be the next thing I need to do, something I need to remember to bring with me, or just a random phrase or sentence. Let's say I think of "The shirt is blue." I'm wearing a blue shirt, but that's a pretty random sentence, ...and not that helpful with my routine. So in my mind, I slowly say "The shirt is blue." I get stuck on it, and say it again and again....but it gets faster and faster and FASTER. A minute later...all I can think is "The shirt is blue. The shirt is blue. The shirt is blue. The shirt is blue. Theshirtisblue.Theshirtisblue. Theshirtisblue. Theshirtisblue. TheshirtisblueTHESHIRTISBLUETHESHIRTISBLUE!!!!!!" Yeah...so. I've never heard of anyone else ever doing that....but that's something that happens to me. Very weird.
In every other situation, I cannot listen to music if I need to focus or concentrate. But when I'm getting ready, I NEED music or I do this the whole morning....driving myself nuts. If you were there the morning of my graduation...you saw me go a little nuts. I couldn't get to my radio, was trying to get ready with 6 other ppl in the house, and was stressed about graduating...it was a rough morning...mainly because I didn't have my music. Lol.....so, sorry about that.
(okay, now this is the last one)
So I just realized I do this...and thought it was kinda funny. You know I'm always on my computer. I usually have at least 3 tabs open at a time on my browser. I just realized today that if I'm bored, on the phone, talking to someone, etc, etc...I will continuously click each tab and just go back and forth between all the tabs. Sometimes I do it really fast too...maybe I could make that some type of tournament game, eh?......I know, strange.
Needless to say all of these bad things were drastically reduced with medicine....such a relief and life-changing little pill. I also had counseling to work on and implement some organization techniques that I still use to this day (lists/daily planner, actually asking for help, etc, etc).
The good:
There are some good things that came out of it: I can think out of the box when needed, had to ramp up organization skills to get around the disorganization of my mind. From all the difficulty I had with grad school, I've discovered how strong I can be, and how I have an incredible work ethic when I need it. I've always thought of myself as rather lazy with a poor work ethic, and now I can be proud of myself.
FINAL NOTE:
Now that I recognize my symptoms, having them come back is VERY difficult, and hard to describe. It's almost like slowly going crazy, except people going crazy don't usually have the luxury of seeing themselves actually go crazy. It's worse because I can recognize things now, and have no power to control them. But hey, I know it'll get better soon enough.
All in all, going through all of this as an adult was very difficult, and almost cost me my dream career, but I think it's made me stronger. I have multiple family members now that have been diagnosed also, I feel like we have even more of a kinship now. Jillie was diagnosed last year, and it's turned her life around too. I'm so glad that we were able to help her quickly. While she did have some problems, she didn't have to go through all I did. As I don't feel ANY medicine in my system anymore, I know this post was probably very difficult to read. (and it takes about 6 weeks to get back in once I start again, sheesh) I have run-on sentences like crazy, I know.... But at least I know this: I will feel better again soon. So next time you hear that a friend or their child has ADD or ADHD, try to remember that you can't just 'run it out' and there's so much more to it than that. Maybe my experiences will help others be more empathetic? I know it has definitely made me so.
I know this was a novel and a very confusing one at that......but at least I proofread....you don't even wanna know what it looked like before ;)
Peace
-Jan
